I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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