he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
