new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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