i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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