Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
