OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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