I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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