If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So vagazzling was a success
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
