he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
