Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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