Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
