i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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