hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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