Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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