I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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