I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
