i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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