I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
tell your sister to shave her snatch
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
