his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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