before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
