U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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