so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I came so hard my ears popped.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
