ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
