a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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