i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
