on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
