I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
