she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i think i just lost a toe
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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