I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
