I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
