Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You were trust falling into bushes
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
