You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
