I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
