if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
