I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
