just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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