you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
