Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
