I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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