Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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