my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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