my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
