i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
