Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
