Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
