he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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