i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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