i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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