Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
