Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
