the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
