I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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